Not more than two minutes later, my mom, dressed in a black corduroy jumper and a wool car coat burst through the office door. Having my mom there felt like Christmas morning. I was so relieved. I don't know that I've ever felt more grateful to see my mom. At that moment, I knew that no matter what happened, I would be okay. My mom had never let me down, and had never let anything bad happen to me, so I knew that she would comfort me, and help me, and stand up for me. Up until that moment, I was treated so horribly, like no person should ever be treated or made to feel, that I was worthless, an inconvenience. My mom made me feel like I mattered, and that I was important. She knelt down on the floor, and took my hand in hers and let me nestle my mangled face on her shoulder. It was not until that moment that I began to cry. These were very deep, guttural sobs that I believe were coming from the depths of my heart and soul. It was not a sound I had ever heard before, and I hope one that I don't hear again for a long, long time. I was physically hurt, and emotionally shattered. I had subconsciously willed myself to hold it together, but I just couldn't hold in my pain any longer. I felt free.
Looking back on that moment in time, I know that my mom was truly shocked at how I looked. I know that she was being strong for me, and did not want me to know the severity of my injuries. Later I would come to know that my mom only showed her sadness and anger behind closed doors, because she knew that it would have been worse for her daughter who worried and panicked, me, had I seen her authentic reaction. In reality, I was crying enough for the both of us, and feeling all the emotions.
My instinct was that this incident was my fault. I apologized many times to my mom, who assured me that it was not my fault, and that I had done nothing wrong. She reminded me that accidents happen, and that it was not my fault. She tried to keep my spirits up, although I don't know that much could be done at that point. Instead to buying Christmas presents and heading back to work, my mom was cradling her oldest baby who was hurt beyond words, and assuring her that everything would be okay. She called my dad, per my request. I wanted to hear his voice and tell him that I was okay. As a little girl, I used to beg for my dad if I got soap in my eyes while taking a bath or if I saw a bug in the bathroom and needed someone to get rid of it. He was a source of comfort, like my mom, and I needed to talk to him. I don't remember our conversation, but I remember telling him that mom was with me, and he said that I was going to be just fine and to take deep breaths.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Friday, June 12, 2015
The Accident: Part 4
The patient sat down in the chair next to me and rubbed my back. She turned the mirror on the desk away from me, and attempted to block my view so I would not see the state of my face. But she did not get it turned away fast enough. I saw my face. My left cheek, which had been perfectly smooth and alabaster, was now gaping open with a very deep, ragged wound. It looked like something from a horror movie. I could see my cheek tissue, and blood was running down my face. There was blood in my mouth, and my cheek was numb. I felt like I was looking at someone else in the mirror but it was really me. I did not recognize myself. I desperately tried to erase that image from my mind, but it was burned there, and forever it will stay.
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
The Accident: Part 3
The next thing I remember is coming to and finding myself under a desk by the front windows of the office. Except, initially, I didn't know where I was. Then I remembered.
There was blood everywhere. It was horrific. There was a pool of blood near my head, there was blood on my hands, on my jacket, on my sweatshirt, on my jeans, on my socks, on my shoes, and in my hair. It looked like a crime scene. And I was in the middle of it.
I tried to get up, and the first thing I saw was five people, including the doctor, standing in a straight line facing me. Gawking. No one made a move to come near me, let alone help me, or say anything to explain the situation. I felt like I was at zoo, and I was the animal on display for everyone to stare at. Except I am a person, and at that moment my heart sank. I realized that no one in that whole office cared about me, and that I was going to have to figure it out myself. I was in shock. My body was trembling and shaking. My eyes were now dilated, and the winter sunlight streaming in the windows made me squint. I was confused, and hurt, and broken. A piece of me would never be the same.
After a few seconds, I tried to slide myself out from under the desk, and tried to sit up. It wasn't until that moment that one of the people, the nurse who had checked me in, slowly approached me. "Can you help me?," I croaked.
I was met the words "An ambulance is coming." No more details were offered. I had no idea what had happened, let alone where I was bleeding from, and the only thing they could tell me was that an ambulance was coming. That stung.
At that moment, a patient walked into the office. I looked up at her, and in my very confused state, I recognized her. She was the mom of one of my peers, and I told her my name. She recognized my last name, and thankfully, she ordered that one of the employees bring me paper towel and some ice. I felt as though I had a friend in my little, very bloody corner.
I reached up to find out where the blood was coming from, and with my left hand I found the source. My left cheek had a gaping hole in it. I could not believe what I was feeling. I knew that there should be skin where I had felt emptiness. I wadded up some crunchy paper towel and placed it on my face, and wished that the hole was figment of my imagination.
I needed my mom to be there. I tried desperately to call my mom. No answer. I tried my dad. Also, no answer. The other patient offered to call my mom. My hands were shaking so much that I could not slide open my phone, let alone scroll through to find a phone number. My phone now had bloody fingerprints all over it. The patient got my mom on the phone. My mom was at the bookstore in the same shopping center. Thank goodness.
There was blood everywhere. It was horrific. There was a pool of blood near my head, there was blood on my hands, on my jacket, on my sweatshirt, on my jeans, on my socks, on my shoes, and in my hair. It looked like a crime scene. And I was in the middle of it.
I tried to get up, and the first thing I saw was five people, including the doctor, standing in a straight line facing me. Gawking. No one made a move to come near me, let alone help me, or say anything to explain the situation. I felt like I was at zoo, and I was the animal on display for everyone to stare at. Except I am a person, and at that moment my heart sank. I realized that no one in that whole office cared about me, and that I was going to have to figure it out myself. I was in shock. My body was trembling and shaking. My eyes were now dilated, and the winter sunlight streaming in the windows made me squint. I was confused, and hurt, and broken. A piece of me would never be the same.
After a few seconds, I tried to slide myself out from under the desk, and tried to sit up. It wasn't until that moment that one of the people, the nurse who had checked me in, slowly approached me. "Can you help me?," I croaked.
I was met the words "An ambulance is coming." No more details were offered. I had no idea what had happened, let alone where I was bleeding from, and the only thing they could tell me was that an ambulance was coming. That stung.
At that moment, a patient walked into the office. I looked up at her, and in my very confused state, I recognized her. She was the mom of one of my peers, and I told her my name. She recognized my last name, and thankfully, she ordered that one of the employees bring me paper towel and some ice. I felt as though I had a friend in my little, very bloody corner.
I reached up to find out where the blood was coming from, and with my left hand I found the source. My left cheek had a gaping hole in it. I could not believe what I was feeling. I knew that there should be skin where I had felt emptiness. I wadded up some crunchy paper towel and placed it on my face, and wished that the hole was figment of my imagination.
I needed my mom to be there. I tried desperately to call my mom. No answer. I tried my dad. Also, no answer. The other patient offered to call my mom. My hands were shaking so much that I could not slide open my phone, let alone scroll through to find a phone number. My phone now had bloody fingerprints all over it. The patient got my mom on the phone. My mom was at the bookstore in the same shopping center. Thank goodness.
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
The Accident: Part 2
The doctor came into the room, and introduced herself. She seemed nice enough. I made sure to let her know that this was my first eye doctor appointment, for some reason, I felt that that was an important detail. My gut was telling me what to say, and I tried to listen to it but told myself that I was going to be fine. Sitting here more than five years later that rings true. I am fine.
The doctor checked me eyes, and had me read various letters on eye charts. It was pretty obvious that I needed some sort of corrective lenses, and I'm also quite sure that my mind was playing tricks on me. I was reading letters out of order as if I was dyslexic, and that made my feel frazzled. My heart beat faster.
It came to that fateful time where the doctor said that she would like to administer drops to dilate my eyes. I asked her what dilating my eyes would allow her to do, and she replied that it would let her see the back of my eyes. I felt so good that I had asked a question, and in the end, I consented to the drops. The doctor applied one drop of a numbing medication to each eye, and then added two drops of the dilating liquid to my eyes. Then we waited while the drops went to work.
I felt my hands get clammy, my body got tingly and felt like butterflies were flittering through my veins, and heart began to race. Faster and faster. I told myself to be brave, and to take deep breaths. The doctor said that I could walk out to the waiting area and that someone (a nurse, I presumed) would meet me at the doorway and would help me look at frames while the drops dilated my eyes. So up I went. I gathered my black North Face fleece and my purse, and began walking to the door.
To set the scene, here is the layout of the office: To get to the waiting room doorway, I had to walk straight out of the exam room, then turn left, then walk five feet or so, then turn right, and walk at least 10 feet.
I remember walking out of the exam room, and walking down the shorter hall, and then I saw the doorway to the waiting room from afar. I don't remember anything after that.
My hearing went. There was a loud ringing sound, and then I temporarily went deaf. My vision was all fuzzy, and then it was black. I was entering a nightmare. And there was no turning back.
The doctor checked me eyes, and had me read various letters on eye charts. It was pretty obvious that I needed some sort of corrective lenses, and I'm also quite sure that my mind was playing tricks on me. I was reading letters out of order as if I was dyslexic, and that made my feel frazzled. My heart beat faster.
It came to that fateful time where the doctor said that she would like to administer drops to dilate my eyes. I asked her what dilating my eyes would allow her to do, and she replied that it would let her see the back of my eyes. I felt so good that I had asked a question, and in the end, I consented to the drops. The doctor applied one drop of a numbing medication to each eye, and then added two drops of the dilating liquid to my eyes. Then we waited while the drops went to work.
I felt my hands get clammy, my body got tingly and felt like butterflies were flittering through my veins, and heart began to race. Faster and faster. I told myself to be brave, and to take deep breaths. The doctor said that I could walk out to the waiting area and that someone (a nurse, I presumed) would meet me at the doorway and would help me look at frames while the drops dilated my eyes. So up I went. I gathered my black North Face fleece and my purse, and began walking to the door.
To set the scene, here is the layout of the office: To get to the waiting room doorway, I had to walk straight out of the exam room, then turn left, then walk five feet or so, then turn right, and walk at least 10 feet.
I remember walking out of the exam room, and walking down the shorter hall, and then I saw the doorway to the waiting room from afar. I don't remember anything after that.
My hearing went. There was a loud ringing sound, and then I temporarily went deaf. My vision was all fuzzy, and then it was black. I was entering a nightmare. And there was no turning back.
Sunday, May 31, 2015
The Accident: Part 1
Let me preface this post/series by saying that I've been wanting to write down the events surrounding "the accident" along with my thoughts, feelings, lessons I've learned and how I feel more than five years after for a while now, but am finally feeling like now is the right time. It has taken me many years to feel comfortable sharing this ordeal, but stories like this must be shared. If I help or encourage one person, it will be all worth it to me. I wish I had thought to keep a blog as I lived through these events in real-time, but alas, this will have to do. This blog is a record of my life and feelings, so I want to be sure I can look back on these years and not feel like I've forgotten the details. I do not want people to pity me. My life is so wonderful and filled to the brim with happiness.
December 22, 2009. The fall semester of my junior year at Lehigh University had just ended. I was home in Niskayuna, NY, and would be there for the next month. I was excited to decompress and was very much looking forward to the holidays. The feelings that swirl around during Christmas are some of my favorite. I adore the traditions, and details, and sweets, and spirit of giving.
During the fall semester of 2009, I noticed that I was straining to see the board during classes, so I made an eye doctor appointment at the office where my mom, dad and youngest sister had gone several times before. Quite honestly, I remember feeling excited that this appointment might result in my being able to see. Imagine that!
My appointment was on December 22, 2009 around 12:30 pm. That morning I woke up, went to the gym, came home to shower, had leftover soup with some grilled cheese, and drove to the doctor's office. The office is in a large shopping plaza and it was somewhere I had been dozens of times before. I made sure that I had sunglasses in my car for after the appointment should my eyes be sensitive from being dilated. I had talked to my mom about what to expect during the appointment. I was ready.
My appointment was on December 22, 2009 around 12:30 pm. That morning I woke up, went to the gym, came home to shower, had leftover soup with some grilled cheese, and drove to the doctor's office. The office is in a large shopping plaza and it was somewhere I had been dozens of times before. I made sure that I had sunglasses in my car for after the appointment should my eyes be sensitive from being dilated. I had talked to my mom about what to expect during the appointment. I was ready.
I parked my car, walked inside, and spoke with the woman at the front desk. She asked for my name, insurance card, and photo ID. I was asked to fill out a bunch of forms since I was a new patient, and then I waited for the nurse to call me back. I vividly remember looking at a magazine and reading a recipe for a salad that sounded good. It felt like I waited for about 10 minutes and then was called back for the "puff test," to test for glaucoma. The nurse ushered me to a small waiting area outside of the exam room with just a few chairs, and told me I could wait there until I was called in. Keep in mind, thus far, I had not seen any other patients at the office. Since this was before the time that I had a smartphone, I looked around at the wall decor and tried to be patient. At this point, I felt good.
The doctor finally came out and said that I could join her in the exam room. When I walked in, the first thing I thought was that the apparatus looked like something from a scary movie. I let that thought go from my mind, and let myself feel at ease, and that I was in control of the situation.
Monday, May 25, 2015
Memorial Day Weekend 2015.
Mike had a ton of work to do this weekend so instead of spending the weekend alone in my apartment, I decided to hightail it home for the weekend to spend time with my mom and sister! Thanks to my office closing a 3 p.m. on Friday, I was able to be on the road by 4:15, so I made it home in about 5 hours and hardly hit any traffic.
Saturday felt like fall in upstate New York. It was a beautiful sunny day, but it was chilly with a breeze. I loved it. I will take cold, breezy, snowy, icy weather over hot, humid weather any day of the week.
Both of my sisters are in tremendously great physical shape. I offered to workout with my youngest sister on Saturday, and truly thought that I would be able to do some of it with her. But no, she blew me out of the water with her speed and strength within the first lap around the track. Shooee. She told me that she runs at 7 minute mile. I couldn't even dream of doing that.
Here is the only photo with people in it that I took during the whole weekend:
Because I have a wicked sweet tooth, and because Pinterest is my weakness, I decided to make this Dark Chocolate Sea Salt Caramel tart. It was very rich, but oh so delicious! You should probably all go make it as soon as possible.
Saturday felt like fall in upstate New York. It was a beautiful sunny day, but it was chilly with a breeze. I loved it. I will take cold, breezy, snowy, icy weather over hot, humid weather any day of the week.
Both of my sisters are in tremendously great physical shape. I offered to workout with my youngest sister on Saturday, and truly thought that I would be able to do some of it with her. But no, she blew me out of the water with her speed and strength within the first lap around the track. Shooee. She told me that she runs at 7 minute mile. I couldn't even dream of doing that.
Here is the only photo with people in it that I took during the whole weekend:
^^ Carrie is on the right side of the photo. This is our high school track. I spent many nights hanging here with my friends at football games.
My mom, sister, cousin Zach, aunt Barbie and grandparents spent most of Saturday watching NCAA men's lacrosse. It was intense, and fun, and stressful, and exhausting...even though I wasn't exercising, hah!
While at the grocery store with my mom, cousin, and aunt, we came across a veggie labeled simply as "produce." My cousin knew that these unusual looking veggies are called fiddleheads. During some googling of what fiddleheads were we found that they are only available for two weeks of the year and are unfurled fern fronds. We followed a Wegman's recipe (here) and they turned out surprisingly well!
^^ Washed and trimmed fiddleheads.
^^ Cooked fiddleheads.
Because I have a wicked sweet tooth, and because Pinterest is my weakness, I decided to make this Dark Chocolate Sea Salt Caramel tart. It was very rich, but oh so delicious! You should probably all go make it as soon as possible.
And then I promptly fell asleep in front of the TV. The end to a wonderful weekend at home! El fin.
xoxo,
Megan
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Girls day.
I truly have the best friends. They are smart and kind, funny and caring, beautiful and talented, inspiring and adventurous. They also call various parts of the country and world, home. So when my wonderful friend Courtney told me months ago that she was making the trip from San Francisco to the Bethlehem area, she asked if I would be able to meet up with her for the day. Obviously, I jumped at the chance and asked to take a vacation day. It is not every day that one of your favorite former residents turned friend makes the 3000+ mile trip.
Today was the day. And I was so excited. Yesterday was Lehigh's commencement ceremony so we decided to meet up near Lehigh, where Courtney was staying. Can we just have a minute to talk about how I still cannot believe that I graduated from college four years ago? Yeah, cannot believe it. I loved college. I miss college, but I miss being close to all my best girls always. Miss our spontaneous adventures, and late-night chats, and having so many opportunities at our fingertips.
So this morning I drove up to Lehigh to meet Courtney for breakfast at Blue Sky Cafe. This is far and away my favorite restaurant near Lehigh's campus. It is seriously delish. Courtney and I shared a veggie omelet and lemon ricotta pancakes with blueberry syrup. We chatted and chatted, and left smelling like Blue Sky!
We met up with freshly-graduated Becca and decided to brave the humidity and take a nature walk/hike at Jacobsburg State Park. It was gorgeously green and lush. There were wildflowers all over, and the three of us were able to have some stimulating girl talk. We are all at very different stages in our careers and lives, so we were able to share advice and insight, and I soaked every second of it right up.
My fitbit indicated that we walked for about 4.5 miles. Here are some photos from the trail.
Today was the day. And I was so excited. Yesterday was Lehigh's commencement ceremony so we decided to meet up near Lehigh, where Courtney was staying. Can we just have a minute to talk about how I still cannot believe that I graduated from college four years ago? Yeah, cannot believe it. I loved college. I miss college, but I miss being close to all my best girls always. Miss our spontaneous adventures, and late-night chats, and having so many opportunities at our fingertips.
So this morning I drove up to Lehigh to meet Courtney for breakfast at Blue Sky Cafe. This is far and away my favorite restaurant near Lehigh's campus. It is seriously delish. Courtney and I shared a veggie omelet and lemon ricotta pancakes with blueberry syrup. We chatted and chatted, and left smelling like Blue Sky!
^^ Blue Sky Cafe!
We met up with freshly-graduated Becca and decided to brave the humidity and take a nature walk/hike at Jacobsburg State Park. It was gorgeously green and lush. There were wildflowers all over, and the three of us were able to have some stimulating girl talk. We are all at very different stages in our careers and lives, so we were able to share advice and insight, and I soaked every second of it right up.
My fitbit indicated that we walked for about 4.5 miles. Here are some photos from the trail.
^^ Jacobsburg State Park.
Of course, we had to document our fun with a sweaty, post-hike selfie.
^^ Jacobsburg State Park. All nice and sweaty.
Even though we had eaten so much for breakfast, we decided to make the most out of our time in Bethlehem and ate another great meal! Courtney and Becca had a food bucket list, and they invited me to join them for crepes at Full of Crepes. It opened after I had already graduated, so it was my first time and it did not disappoint. I could not pass up a sweet crepe, and that solidified how much of a sweet tooth I really have.
^^ Crepes in Campus Square!
We capped off our great visit with some chatting in the shade in Campus Square where I made sure to rehash some of my best stories from my days as a Resident Assistant (Gryphon).
Whenever I am at Lehigh, I always feel so at home. My four years at that school built into the side of the mountain really shaped me into who I am today. The memories that I made there are some of my favorite and most treasured. I had some of my happiest times there and lived through some of the hardest times. (More about that in a later post.) I experienced triumphs and tears, successes and failures, but I would not trade those times for anything in the world. My heart is swelling with such wonderful memories and true love for Lehigh, my friends, and all the lessons I learned. I'm not sure what I did to get this lucky, but goodness, I just adore my life.
^^ Just love the view from Lookout Point.
I definitely left a piece of my heart on old South Mountain.
Thanks, Courtney for coming to visit! Maybe next time I see you will be in San Francisco so you can show me all the best places to go! So glad you were on my hall five years ago. Long live Richards D2.
xoxo,
Megan
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