The Accident: Part 5

Not more than two minutes later, my mom, dressed in a black corduroy jumper and a wool car coat burst through the office door.  Having my mom there felt like Christmas morning.  I was so relieved.  I don't know that I've ever felt more grateful to see my mom.  At that moment, I knew that no matter what happened, I would be okay.  My mom had never let me down, and had never let anything bad happen to me, so I knew that she would comfort me, and help me, and stand up for me.  Up until that moment, I was treated so horribly, like no person should ever be treated or made to feel, that I was worthless, an inconvenience.  My mom made me feel like I mattered, and that I was important.  She knelt down on the floor, and took my hand in hers and let me nestle my mangled face on her shoulder.  It was not until that moment that I began to cry.  These were very deep, guttural sobs that I believe were coming from the depths of my heart and soul.  It was not a sound I had ever heard before, and I hope one that I don't hear again for a long, long time.  I was physically hurt, and emotionally shattered.  I had subconsciously willed myself to hold it together, but I just couldn't hold in my pain any longer.  I felt free.

Looking back on that moment in time, I know that my mom was truly shocked at how I looked.  I know that she was being strong for me, and did not want me to know the severity of my injuries.  Later I would come to know that my mom only showed her sadness and anger behind closed doors, because she knew that it would have been worse for her daughter who worried and panicked, me, had I seen her authentic reaction.  In reality, I was crying enough for the both of us, and feeling all the emotions.  

My instinct was that this incident was my fault.  I apologized many times to my mom, who assured me that it was not my fault, and that I had done nothing wrong.  She reminded me that accidents happen, and that it was not my fault.  She tried to keep my spirits up, although I don't know that much could be done at that point.  Instead to buying Christmas presents and heading back to work, my mom was cradling her oldest baby who was hurt beyond words, and assuring her that everything would be okay.  She called my dad, per my request.  I wanted to hear his voice and tell him that I was okay.  As a little girl, I used to beg for my dad if I got soap in my eyes while taking a bath or if I saw a bug in the bathroom and needed someone to get rid of it.  He was a source of comfort, like my mom, and I needed to talk to him.  I don't remember our conversation, but I remember telling him that mom was with me, and he said that I was going to be just fine and to take deep breaths.     

The Accident: Part 4

The patient sat down in the chair next to me and rubbed my back.  She turned the mirror on the desk away from me, and attempted to block my view so I would not see the state of my face.  But she did not get it turned away fast enough.  I saw my face.  My left cheek, which had been perfectly smooth and alabaster, was now gaping open with a very deep, ragged wound.  It looked like something from a horror movie.  I could see my cheek tissue, and blood was running down my face.  There was blood in my mouth, and my cheek was numb.  I felt like I was looking at someone else in the mirror but it was really me.  I did not recognize myself.  I desperately tried to erase that image from my mind, but it was burned there, and forever it will stay.

The Accident: Part 3

The next thing I remember is coming to and finding myself under a desk by the front windows of the office.  Except, initially, I didn't know where I was.  Then I remembered.

There was blood everywhere.  It was horrific.  There was a pool of blood near my head, there was blood on my hands, on my jacket, on my sweatshirt, on my jeans, on my socks, on my shoes, and in my hair.  It looked like a crime scene.  And I was in the middle of it.  

I tried to get up, and the first thing I saw was five people, including the doctor, standing in a straight line facing me.  Gawking.  No one made a move to come near me, let alone help me, or say anything to explain the situation.  I felt like I was at zoo, and I was the animal on display for everyone to stare at.  Except I am a person, and at that moment my heart sank.  I realized that no one in that whole office cared about me, and that I was going to have to figure it out myself.  I was in shock.  My body was trembling and shaking.  My eyes were now dilated, and the winter sunlight streaming in the windows made me squint.  I was confused, and hurt, and broken.  A piece of me would never be the same.  

After a few seconds, I tried to slide myself out from under the desk, and tried to sit up.  It wasn't until that moment that one of the people, the nurse who had checked me in, slowly approached me.  "Can you help me?," I croaked.  

I was met the words "An ambulance is coming."  No more details were offered.  I had no idea what had happened, let alone where I was bleeding from, and the only thing they could tell me was that an ambulance was coming.  That stung. 

At that moment, a patient walked into the office.  I looked up at her, and in my very confused state, I recognized her.  She was the mom of one of my peers, and I told her my name.  She recognized my last name, and thankfully, she ordered that one of the employees bring me paper towel and some ice.  I felt as though I had a friend in my little, very bloody corner.  

I reached up to find out where the blood was coming from, and with my left hand I found the source.  My left cheek had a gaping hole in it.  I could not believe what I was feeling.  I knew that there should be skin where I had felt emptiness.  I wadded up some crunchy paper towel and placed it on my face, and wished that the hole was figment of my imagination.  

I needed my mom to be there.  I tried desperately to call my mom.  No answer.  I tried my dad.  Also, no answer.  The other patient offered to call my mom.  My hands were shaking so much that I could not slide open my phone, let alone scroll through to find a phone number.  My phone now had bloody fingerprints all over it.  The patient got my mom on the phone.  My mom was at the bookstore in the same shopping center.  Thank goodness.

The Accident: Part 2

The doctor came into the room, and introduced herself.  She seemed nice enough.  I made sure to let her know that this was my first eye doctor appointment, for some reason, I felt that that was an important detail.  My gut was telling me what to say, and I tried to listen to it but told myself that I was going to be fine.  Sitting here more than five years later that rings true.  I am fine.

The doctor checked me eyes, and had me read various letters on eye charts.  It was pretty obvious that I needed some sort of corrective lenses, and I'm also quite sure that my mind was playing tricks on me.  I was reading letters out of order as if I was dyslexic, and that made my feel frazzled.  My heart beat faster.  

It came to that fateful time where the doctor said that she would like to administer drops to dilate my eyes.  I asked her what dilating my eyes would allow her to do, and she replied that it would let her see the back of my eyes.  I felt so good that I had asked a question, and in the end, I consented to the drops.  The doctor applied one drop of a numbing medication to each eye, and then added two drops of the dilating liquid to my eyes.  Then we waited while the drops went to work.

I felt my hands get clammy, my body got tingly and felt like butterflies were flittering through my veins, and heart began to race.  Faster and faster.  I told myself to be brave, and to take deep breaths.  The doctor said that I could walk out to the waiting area and that someone (a nurse, I presumed) would meet me at the doorway and would help me look at frames while the drops dilated my eyes.  So up I went.  I gathered my black North Face fleece and my purse, and began walking to the door.  

To set the scene, here is the layout of the office:  To get to the waiting room doorway, I had to walk straight out of the exam room, then turn left, then walk five feet or so, then turn right, and walk at least 10 feet. 

I remember walking out of the exam room, and walking down the shorter hall, and then I saw the doorway to the waiting room from afar.  I don't remember anything after that. 

My hearing went.  There was a loud ringing sound, and then I temporarily went deaf.  My vision was all fuzzy, and then it was black.  I was entering a nightmare.  And there was no turning back.